A local doctor has spoken out about appropriate genital hygiene following yesterday’s staggering report of a Wollongong man being fined $700 for receiving oral sex on a train and later cleaning his penis with a bottle of Coca-Cola. The local doctor, who requested anonymity, has told The Watsonia Bugle that the man would’ve been better off using soap and water to clean his penis after such a public sexual encounter with a complete stranger.

The doctor claims that while receiving oral sex from a stranger on public transport leaves you open to the risk of a variety of STIs, cleaning your bits with a bottle of Coke is unlikely to protect you. He said, “Some people get confused, because Coke is such an effective cleaner of things like dirty coins, that it has some kind of magical disease ridding properties. But it doesn’t.”

The doctors also said, “If you insist on getting sexually active on a train with the complete stranger, your best bet is to use protection. Failing that, try some warm soapy water as soon after the encounter as possible.”