A newly released Collingwood Football Club air freshener being sold by a leading supermarket chain reportedly smells like desperation and regret. Testing of the different club air fresheners was conducted by a local independent consumer group, and their findings have unsurprisingly upset the stereotypically quick to anger Collingwood supporters.

While the test results managed to insult a wide variety of club supporters, the verdict on the Collingwood air freshener was by far the most damning. According to the report, “The Collingwood fragrance was by far the most unpalatable. The potent combination of desperation and regret leaves the nostrils feeling like they are either in line at the local Centrelink office, or sitting in the dock at the Heidelberg Magistrates’ Court.”

When told about the results, one local Collingwood supporter, who gave his name as Warren, asked The Watsonia Bugle, “But what does ‘unpalatable’ mean? Is that good or bad? These wankers use all these big words but they’ve got no idea what they’re talking about mate.”

Some other notable fragrance results included Richmond’s “new-found arrogance”, North Melbourne’s “one and two cent coins”, and Essendon’s “inside of a sharps disposal unit”. It will be interesting to see if any of these air fresheners become best sellers.