A man described by teammates and opponents alike as a “dirty rotten cheat” has reportedly taken the moral high ground during office chat about the current ball tampering scandal engulfing world cricket. Tim Stephenson’s chequered behavioural record over the course of his 20-year park cricket career hasn’t stopped him from being the resident cricket expert in his high rise office in the city, with colleagues dropping by his desk all yesterday and today to discuss the state of play in Aussie cricket.

Unaware that Stephenson once simultaneously questioned the sexuality, family lineage, and religious beliefs of an opposing 14-year-old batsman, his colleagues love to hit him up with any questions about cricket, particularly matters relating to sportsmanship and ethics. Most conversations start with, “Hey Timmy, you play a bit of cricket, what do you think about…” before Stephenson pulls away from his latest spreadsheet and begins preaching from an invisible pulpit.

Conveniently failing to mention that he once actually replaced a match ball in the middle of a day’s play a few seasons ago, having hidden the newer and shinier ball in some bushes near the boundary, Stephenson has labelled the actions of the Australian team as unacceptable and, “Against everything that we stand for as a cricketing nation”. He’s also called for Steve Smith’s resignation, despite once remaining captain of the Watsonia Wombats Third XI even after he’d threatened an umpire with the sharp end of a cricket stump and told the umpire to “watch your back you dog” following what he believed was a questionable LBW dismissal. Stephenson also failed to mention that the umpire was, in fact, his teammate taking a turn umpiring as is the custom in the lower grades of park cricket.

On top of all this two-faced behaviour in the office so far this week, Stephenson has been telling work colleagues that, “Cricket is the gentleman’s game, so there’s no room for this kind of underhanded behaviour. All those boys should be sent home and banned for at least 12 months”. Accepting Stephenson at his word, and making good use of the office’s complimentary online subscription to the Herald Sun, the colleagues at the inner city office are now convinced that what the Australian cricket team has done is abhorrent, sickening, repulsive and absolutely dastardly.