Supermarkets across the country have survived the annual mad rush as a younger generation spoon fed by late night shopping and Sunday trading figuratively shat themselves at the prospect of stores being closed tomorrow. Both Coles and Woolworths planned for months in advance for the onslaught, with industry observers identifying Holy Thursday as being one of the busiest days of the year.

Speaking outside Woolworths Greensborough, but insisting on calling it “Safeways”, local resident Edwina Francis rolled her eyes at the panicking customers frantically scanning the shelves and buying pantry staples as if an apocalypse was approaching. Edwina, an 87-year-old great grandmother said, “have a look at them will you, a whole generation of nervy little pussies, terrified at the prospect of not being able to shop for one day. When I was raising a young family, we had no late night shopping, no weekend shopping, and my kids never went without.”