Tension has spread across the normally tranquil Diamond Valley this week as a small group of Greensborough residents have made the bold suggestion that they are better than people who live in Watsonia. While they haven’t quite reached the same level of smugness as people living in Eltham, the Greensborough group have made some extraordinary claims that are sure to draw return fire from the good people of Watsonia.

A spokesperson for the pro-Greensborough group first contacted The Watsonia Bugle earlier this week to state their position, and has since maintained an open dialogue with our office about their claims for superiority. While we won’t bore you with all of the, at times, fanciful and occasionally baseless claims, the bulk of the argument centred around their possession of a large shopping centre, the apparently state-of-the-art yet oddly spelt facility known as WaterMarc, and the existence of a number of “boutique mini ‘burbs” – namely Greenhills and Apollo Parkways.

The spokesperson said, “It’s a no-brainer mate, we’re heaps better than you lot. We’ve got it all, you never have to leave the ‘burra’ if you don’t want to. We’ve got Greensy Plazas, a holy trinity of fast food joints, parks, ovals, the pristine Plenty River. All of it mate.”

When we hit Watsonia Road yesterday afternoon to canvas the locals for their views on the matter, the response was unanimous: “Greensy is kidding itself”. One resident, Samantha O’Brien, said, “This is absolute nonsense. Where do I start? Last time I checked, Greensy didn’t have a ‘Paris End’, nor does it have a thriving public art community. They might have Megan, but there’s actually no confirmation that she’s even from Greensy, or just visits its fences to spray her anti-vegan sentiments. Do I have to mention that we have the world’s greatest dim sims? And we’re even closer to the city on the train line or, as it stands at the moment, closer to Macleod Station where you can get on a fun bus into the city. Watsy forever man!”