An overweight whale shark has openly questioned the entire naming process of animals, accusing scientists of leaving him open to bullying from other species and, among other things, an underactive thyroid. William the whale shark contacted The Watsonia Bugle to voice his concerns, wanting to use the runaway success of our current Shark Week to further his campaign.

In an exclusive interview, William said, “It’s bad enough that I’m carrying a few extra hundred kilos, but I’ve got just about every species in the sea calling me a whale even though I’m actually a fish. It’s akin to saying that a female dog is acting like a bitch: it’s technically correct, but still very nasty. I can’t escape it because the other creatures just hide behind the fact they’re calling me by my name.”

While William was unable to explain the link between his species name and a lazy thyroid, he spoke of launching a new campaign to change the name of “whale shark” to “mega shark”. He said, “The word ‘mega’ has such a more awesome connotation than ‘whale’. Sure, I’d still be fat, but mega sounds, like, heaps better.”