A local fashion expert has declared that the biggest winner from last night’s Closing Ceremony debacle at the Commonwealth Games is the tasteless designer who created the Australian team uniforms for the event. The final night of the Games has been widely condemned by the few people who tuned in to watch it, including by some broadcasters of the actual ceremony.

However, local fashion designer Annette Garrison says the night’s overall failure has provided an effective mask for what she described as “unimaginative, colour blind, vomit-inducing, time warp polo shirts that look like what your uncle who shops at Lowes would wear to a summer BBQ”. Garrison believes that the nation’s elite athletes deserve better, and expressed her general dismay at how every Olympics and Commonwealth Games seem to be marred by such terrible fashion design.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, Garrison said, “Surely it can’t be that hard. But time and again they get it oh so wrong. I know these Games were held on the Gold Coast, but it was no reason to dress all these young people up like bus drivers. I mean, all that was missing was the long brown woollen socks.”