Following an influx of text messages last night, a local Essendon supporter is considering lobbying the government to change the name of April 25 from Anzac Day to “Cop a text from a Collingwood supporter day”. While any name change would surely be controversial, and a bold divergence from the original meaning of a significant date in Australian history, Pat Samson believes it would “more accurately encapsulate what that day means to me”.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, Samson said, “Some of the texts I get are literally the only contact I have with those degenerates for the whole year. I’m intrigued. Is it just a big group text they send to all of their contacts that barrack for Essendon? Do they have a saved list they use every year? Why do supporters from no other team in the comp feel compelled to text me en masse when their team beats my team?”

While Samson was unclear exactly how he would lobby the Australian government for such an extreme change in the naming of one of the nation’s most revered days, he did say, “It just feels right to me. It’s been going on for ages. I thought the advent of social media would mean they’d change the delivery method but they just still keep going for the trusty old text message. It might help if my team actually won a few games on Anzac Day from time to time I guess.”