Late last night, Westgarth 20-something Tym McTaggart fell asleep on a Hurstbridge Line train and woke up in Diamond Creek scared and confused. Boarding the train at Collingwood Station after a heavy session drinking Melbourne Bitter longnecks and smoking rollies in a shopfront bar on Smith Street, Tym rested his head against the train window for just a moment before falling into a deep sleep.

Tym was eventually woken at Diamond Creek Station by the sound of breaking glass, as a local youth threw a Cruiser bottle against the Station wall in reaction to the devastating news that the soft serve machine at Maccas was out of order. Startled by the noise, Tym quickly scanned around to see where he was. When he spotted the train station sign he was filled with dread.

Tym reflected on his ordeal this morning when speaking to The Watsonia Bugle. He said, “I’d heard of Diamond Creek before, but I’d never actually been there. The 24-hour McDonalds is such a ghastly beacon of commercialisation.”

Spotting the pub across the road from the station, Tym thought that would be his safest place of refuge, as there are many fine establishments in the inner north that boast facades with a similar old world charm, while still offering at least three microbrewery varieties on tap.

However, Tym was shaken by the interior of the Diamond Creek Hotel. “It was just horrible, the main bar was filled with smelly bogans, they had pokies, the TAB section smelt of grubby desperation, and the only beers on tap were CUB ­– and not even in an ironic way.”

Somewhat unsurprisingly, the locals were equally disgusted by the sight of Tym. He was inundated with ‘you’re not from around here’ stares before quickly exiting the building and ordering an Uber.

When Tym was explaining the logic behind his decision to catch the train home, he said, “Normally I just ride my fixie home from a night out, but I was too shaky on my feet for that ­– plus I’d misplaced the orange Stackhat that I bought at an Op Shop a few years ago. And I’m a passionate advocate of public transport, I believe an efficient public transport system is the pillar of any successful society. When I was in Europe last year I caught trains everywhere. But after last night, I think I’ll just walk next time.”