A local man is currently bracing for the cold hard fact that he is about to drink beer with his breakfast, as is the custom between him and his mates each year on Grand Final day. While Harry Clements mostly looks forward to his annual day out with the boys, his encroaching years have made the breakfast beers an increasingly difficult proposition, often rendering him incoherent and useless before the game even starts.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle last night ahead of the big day, Clements said, “I’m nervous mate. Very nervous. Last year I was passed out in a garden shrub before the national anthem had even been sung. I’m a massive footy fan but I can barely recall a Grand Final day from the last decade and a half. All the boys talk a big game on the grog, but I reckon we all secretly yearn for a quieter day where we start drinking a fraction later and actually watch the main game.”

However, such is the power of peer group pressure and modern methods of communication, when Clements suggested a later start and a more responsible level of alcohol consumption he was hounded down by his close friends. He said, “Yeah, I mentioned it on WhatsApp earlier in the week just to see if it got any traction. But all them bloody keyboard warriors jumped all over me. I was called names that I won’t repeat for your readers. It was awful.”