A philosopher from a local university has controversially divided the entire population of Australia into two specific categories: those that watch television series The Bachelor, and those that don’t. Professor Wilson Salisberg made the bold statement in a lecture yesterday, sending audience members into a flurry over such a broad and sweeping hypothesis. 

When contacted by The Watsonia Bugle to elaborate on his position, Professor Salisberg said, “I have spent years trying to categorise people based on their intelligence, values, family history, income, hobbies, and other identifiable characteristics, but I truly believe this is the most water-tight test yet. It’s even stronger than that theory you guys published about people that sit in massage chairs in shopping centres and airports.”

According to Professor Salisberg, the accuracy of his theory comes down to one overwhelming factor. He said, “It takes a special kind of personality to get seriously invested in a premise whereby fame-hungry game show contestants throw themselves at a man they have not previously met and profess instant love and connection from which they plan to build a long and happy marriage. So-called ‘reality television’ has been a good personality gauge for the last decade and a half, but it seems that fans of The Bachelor, and other similar television shows, exhibit more extreme character traits than any other show in recent human history.”

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