A ground-breaking study by a local university has revealed that people who drink their coffee through a straw are kidding themselves. The study analysed the coffee drinking habits of roughly 1000 people, including both straw suckers and conventional suckers, and concluded that there was no real difference.

The use of a straw jammed into the tiny hole of a takeaway coffee cup has been relatively common in recent years, especially amongst women, with the most popular reasons being the unspoiling of carefully applied lipstick and/or the preservation of whitened teeth. The study tracked these two presumed benefits of looking like an idiot while sipping on your coffee, and concluded that they were rudimentary at best, and a gross waste of plastic at worst.

Head researcher from the study, Cameron Taylor, told The Watsonia Bugle, “The practice seems to have increased in recent years, so we decided to find out once and for all if it actually provided any benefit. The short answer is no. While the long answer is eventually no but also goes into some frightening analysis of the personality types that are drawn to this kind of behaviour. Basically, if you use a straw, you’re an attention seeking moron. But our conclusion was written a bit more eloquently than that.”