A catastrophic Internet outage across the greater Watsonia region last night forced local Optus users to spend real time with their families. The network failure, presumably caused by the afternoon storm, sent local residents into a panic, with many reportedly unsure how to function without Internet and/or phone coverage.

One such resident, Daniel Taylor, spoke to The Watsonia Bugle this morning about his harrowing ordeal. He said, “Mate, it was a living nightmare. Seriously, how are we supposed to function without that essential service? Plus, I couldn’t even jump on Twitter or Watsonia Community Voice to check what the problem. I was living in a black hole. If I screamed, nobody would’ve even heard me.”

However, once Taylor dealt with the initial terror, he was strangely comforted by the experience, eventually embracing a life off the grid and taking the opportunity to properly speak to his wife for the first time in about five or six years. He said, “You know how it is. Most of the time we spend together involves us just lying on the couch and separately playing on our phones. She’s got our pet dog’s Insta account to manage, and I’ve got a few banter threads going with me mates on WhatsApp. That takes up most of our spare time.”

In an attempt to alleviate the boredom once the kids had gone to bed, Taylor and his wife sought alternative forms of entertainment. He said, “No Netflix, no social media, and no phone coverage. What else is there to do in 2018? We chatted for a bit, and then we thought about getting a deck of cards out. The term ‘board game’ was even mentioned. I also suggested that maybe we could make love, but the missus just laughed at that. Eventually the service came back up and all was good in the world again.”