A Greensborough man has declared a one-man war on lanyards, claiming they are a blight on society, and could be part of a broader international conspiracy. Luke Tindall made his declaration on Facebook last night, and says he won’t rest until the very last lanyard has been destroyed, preferably in a lavish ceremony involving him dancing around the incinerator in his backyard.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle this morning to promote his cause and clarify his position, Tindall said, “They’ve been slowly creeping into society over the last few years, and I think we’re almost at saturation level. Enough’s enough. I challenge anyone to present me with a decent reason why they must have something permanently attached to their neck to quick and easy access.”

Tindall boldly claimed that many wearers are simply doing it as a status symbol, and an expression of their own personal importance. He said, “I’m like, you’re not at the Portsea Polo sipping Aperol Spritz, you’re working a boring nine to fiver in some government department in the city. And even if you were at the Polo, take the lanyard off, you boat shoe—wearing tosser.”