The entire nation’s park cricket community is currently considering playing the controversial “heat card” this evening, by trusting tomorrow’s boiling hot forecast and drinking their body weight in alcohol tonight. The “heat card”, similar to the “rain card”, involves cricketers over indulging in alcohol the night before a game in the hope that play will be heated out the following day.

Most park cricket competitions across Australia have so-called “Heat Rules”, introduced some time in the mid-2000s when society as a whole got softer, and the constant threat of litigation hovered over amateur sporting leagues. Most of those rules linger around the 38 degrees mark, when play will be called off until the mercury dips back down under that dictated figure.

According to seasoned local park cricketer Nick Franington, playing the heat card is a much riskier move than the more commonly used rain card. He said, “The heat card really separates the men from the boys. There’s just so much less room for error. Get it wrong, and you’re standing in a scorching hot outfield for five hours, hungover like you could die at any moment. You just stand there genuinely question every single one of your life choices that have led you to that dire point in time.”

Franington said that the decision on whether to play the heat card or not gave a genuine insight into the mentality of your teammates. He said, “You find out pretty quickly who the gamblers are in the team. I’ve already explained the consequences if you get it wrong, but if you get it right, you can treat yourself to a full afternoon on the couch, in front of a blasting AC, sipping on a Gatorade and maybe cracking your first beer at about 3ish. Saturday arvo beers are a real rarity for park cricketers. They’re our sasquatch.”

The forecast for tomorrow currently lists a maximum temperature of 37 degrees, peaking around 3.00pm to 6.00pm, making any heat card play this weekend a perilous choice. However, according to Franington, now is the time to play it. He said, “It’s almost the end of the season, and a lot of teams will be out of finals contention, so those blokes will be real tempted I reckon”. Do you know anyone brave enough to put the cards on the table this afternoon?

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