The entire suburb of Greensborough has reportedly been split into multiple warring factions, as the different regions within the suburb devolve into petty arguments as to which area is the better. Locals claim that the tension has been simmering for decades, but finally boiled over at a recent secret meeting between members of each region.

Research into the escalating conflict seems to indicate that the suburb has been split into five main regions: Greenhills, Apollo Parkways, Briar Hill, St Helena, and a mysterious area known as “Old Greensy”. After interviewing passionate residents from each of the five areas, the exact origin of the fiery dispute remains unclear, but members from both the Apollo Parkways and “Old Greensy” factions seem to be at the centre of the conflict.

It seems that since the late 1980s, community leaders from each of the factions have secretly met on a monthly basis for so-called “Greensy Alliance” meetings, discussing such important matters as the maintenance of local reserves, management of abandoned shopping trolleys, and the declining presence of milk bars. One recent meeting was followed by informal drinks and “fellowship”, but things quickly took a turn for the worse.

A source from the St Helena faction said, “Apollo Parkways and Old Greensy have long been at each other about who is the true leader of the ‘Greensy Alliance’. Geographically it’s obviously Old Greensy, but Apollo have been laying claim to it since the late 90s. Let’s just say after a few too many sherbets a couple of months ago things got out of hand. There was name calling, drink throwing, and a mild to severe push and shove. By the time of our next meeting, even though everyone had obviously sobered up, the issue remained unresolved, and both of the warring parties have been scrambling to gain support from the other regions. It’s super awkward.”

Despite multiple interactions with leaders from each region, we were unable to ascertain exactly where loyalties lay between representatives at the Greensy Alliance, with most members seemingly keen to keep their cards close to their chests. The most we got was a brief summary of the different factions, generously provided by a Greenhills resident.

They said, “It’s very complicated, and has been going on for years. The Old Greensy members are living off past glories, always believing they are the true centre of Greensborough. Home to the footy club and Greensborough Plaza. Apollo Parkways is like the young upstart, constantly challenging the status quo, while also holding a subtle air of arrogance, like they are the logical heir to the throne. They keep saying they are the brains of the operation simply because they are home to the library and Melbourne Polytechnic. St Helena don’t really seem to care, because they know they can just leave and join Eltham or Diamo if things turn sour in Greensy. While Briar Hill just seems constantly aloof, kind of literally and figuratively looking down their noses at us, safe in the knowledge they own the entire suburb’s best bakery.”

It seems the future of the “Greensy Alliance” currently sits on shaky ground, as a resolution remains unlikely as decades of grievances rear their ugly heads and threaten to bring down the whole secret society. While the appointed spokesperson from the Alliance declined the offer of an interview with The Watsonia Bugle, but we will continue to keep a close eye on developments.