Following an in-depth study into the main pedestrian lights on Watsonia Road, it has been confirmed that pressing the crossing button more than once doesn’t make the little green man appear any quicker. While most pedestrians should have already known this, the study’s findings now give us even more reason to despise the morons who insist on walking up and re-pressing the button time and again.

The lead researcher behind the study, Graeme O’Donnell, told The Watsonia Bugle, “I’d always been a sceptic of the multiple pressers, so I’m glad to now have proper scientific evidence to prove that they are idiots. We set up monitors and cameras on the Watsonia Road crossing for a whole fortnight and compared the number of button presses with the response times of the green man. In that entire fortnight, there was not one single example of a multiple press resulting in a quicker response. In fact, in some cases, the response time was actually slower, presumably because even the green man hates the wankers who insist on pressing the button more than once.”

However, enthusiastic multiple presser Ben Hamilton told The Watsonia Bugle, “Even when that red light is on the console, how can you tell for sure that someone has already pressed it? We could all just be standing around presuming that someone’s already done it. In life, I reckon, you have to take matters into your own hands, so that’s why I always press the button, even if I’ve actually seen someone else already press it. I’m a bit of a natural leader like that you know.”