Following a series of concerning incidents in recent months, a local dud drinker has been encouraged by close friends to consider drinking alcohol-free beer instead of full-strength beer. While Tim Johnson had previously been unaware of the existence of alcohol-free beer, his friends brought it to his attention last night, during a heartfelt discussion about Johnson’s recent behaviour on the turps.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle about his quasi-intervention, Johnson said, “It took me by surprise, I’ll be honest. I mean, I’m a bit of a piss wreck, but so are half me mates. So, when they’re telling me I’ve got a problem then maybe it is time to make some changes. But, seriously, what’s the point of drinking beer that doesn’t have alcohol in it? It’s like going to the beach but not having a swim. What’s the point?”

While Johnson attempting to make sense of the whole situation, close friend Tim Raynor said, “It’s high time he did something about his drinking. We all like a few beers on the weekend, but ‘Jonno’ legit just doesn’t know when to stop. I’ve seen him get nude at least five times in the last month and a half, he’s lost his phone three times already this year, and he hasn’t not been hungover on a Sunday for almost a decade. Maybe 0% beer is the answer to his problems.”