An actual real-life scientist has confirmed the long-held assumption that it is 12 o’clock somewhere in the world. Professor Nelson O’Donnell, a time specialist from a local university, explained to The Watsonia Bugle that the earth’s constant rotation around the sun means that if it is not midday at least somewhere in the world, it will be less than an hour after it.

Professor O’Donnell’s confirmation is expected to embolden hundreds of thousands of drinkers across the world, many of whom rely on the midday correlation to justify drinking in the morning. One such drinker, who requested strict anonymity, told us, “This is great news mate. I always used to quote that line, but I’d never got around to doing the research into it. I’d always just heard me dad and uncles say it was they cracked open a few cans on a Saturday morning.”

Meanwhile, Professor O’Donnell seemed oblivious of the way his science was being used by drinkers to increase the number of legitimate drinker hours in their day. He said, “People actually say that? Really? They know they’re only lying to themselves, yeah? Drinking in the morning is drinking in the morning. You don’t see any of them rocking into work at 3am and saying ‘It’s 9am in the world somewhere’ do you? This is ridiculous.”

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