An Essendon fan has gotten home and taken off his trusty tin foil hat after a long week of exploring multiple conspiracy theories about the alleged persecution of his beloved football club. The super fan, Kelvin O’Donnell, had executed a real deep dive this week, after news circulated about some inconsistencies in the long-winded and painful supplements saga that has besieged the Essendon Football Club for over six years now.

While O’Donnell conceded that his full week’s research failed to uncover any substantial evidence that exonerated his club, he promised to continue the fight, insisting that “there’s something fishy about all this I reckon”. He also said, “Mate, that McManus bloke you quoted earlier in the year was onto something. Ever since they snubbed Adsy McPhee back in 2005, the whole footy world has had it in for us. And I just can’t stand around and let that happen.”

As for the tin foil hat, O’Donnell claimed that it was part of “essential measures” he was taken to avoid the AFL tracking his personal investigation into supposed inconsistencies with the case. O’Donnell said, “The AFL are up to their eyeballs in this, trust me. And my office in the city isn’t that far from AFL HQ in Docklands. If they get wind of my Google search history, I reckon I’ll get door knocked by one of their heavies, for sure. And that’s not a chance I’m willing to take.”

Ed note: O’Donnell failed to explain how speaking to a leading local news outlet would assist in his dedicated efforts to remain anonymous during his extensive search.

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