A Greensborough man has openly questioned the accuracy of using an eggplant emoticon to depict a human erection, claiming that of all the options available, the baguette emoticon would actually be more appropriate. Ted Evans has long refuted the eggplant’s suitability for such an important role in pop culture and, after a long search through the entire emoticon keyboard, is now certain that the baguette should take centre stage.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle about his claims, Evans said, “The eggplant is really only being used due to the seeming lack of a suitable alternative. The most obvious fruit or vegetable would be the banana, but it’s peeled — probably because the developers knew it would be appropriated as an erect male phallus. So the eggplant just took the mantle, kind of like Bradbury at the Winter Olympics. But really, the baguette would be heaps better. It’s far more erect and, even though its real-life size is well beyond the capabilities of the average man, that just adds to the humour of it all.”

While Evans remained unsure of how he could change such a groundswell of online behaviour, he said he was working on mounting a public awareness campaign. He said, “I’m not sure mate, but I’ll think of something. Maybe handing out baguettes at Watsy Station and loudly yelling ‘say no to the eggplant’. You know, something that would really grab the attention of the average man.”