A needy local footy club with delusions of professionalism and athletic endeavour has commenced their pre-season training prior to most AFL clubs, resulting in a disillusioned playing group on the brink of revolt. A source from within the Watsonia Wombats playing group contacted The Watsonia Bugle yesterday to express their concern over the matter, insisting that it was make or break time for the embattled club.

The source, who requested strict anonymity, said, “It’s a bloody joke mate. Most AFL clubs are only really starting up now, and it’s their full-time job. Meanwhile, we’ve been told to attend ‘compulsory sessions’ since the start of last week. It only feels like last season finished about a month ago. It’s not on.”

The source went on to list a number of other grievances from among the Wombats squad, possibly mistaking the Bugle for some kind of local agony aunt, or a free form of counselling. They said, “Local footy clubs these days try too bloody hard to emulate the AFL stuff. But really we should just focus on the basics of local footy: train hard, play hard, party hard. We’d double the playing numbers at the club if we painted that on the clubroom walls instead of buzz words like ‘accountability’, ‘optics’ and ‘professionalism’. They even make us wear slacks and dress shoes to game day. If they think that will make us play better they’re absolutely dreamin’!”