A local beer enthusiast claims to have uncovered the one true difference between Victoria Bitter and Melbourne Bitter, saying he has the power to end years of suspicion and innuendo. Callum Underwood has told The Watsonia Bugle that after “years and years of rigorous testing”, he is ready to unveil the one and only difference between the two iconic Australian beers.

According to Underwood, “The difference between the two drops is solely about optics, mate. VB drinkers just drink it because they like it. There’s no pretense. It’s authentic. On the other hand, people that drink Melbourne Bitter are all about the optics. They’ll try to give a long-winded explanation about how it’s different to VB and how they love the unique flavour but, at the end of the day, they’re only lying to themselves.”

When asked whether he could support his years of “years and years of rigorous testing” with some scientific data, Underwood said, “Nah mate, and I don’t have to. It’s all anecdotal. The entire beer industry is a myth. Most of the idiots out there just go by the label. Does it look cool and, more importantly, will drinking a certain type of beer in public make me look cool to other wankers with a reliance on optics that’s just as unhealthy as mine? That’s all it is, mate. Seriously.”

Underwood then suggested that people can use this knowledge in common social scenarios. He said, “If you a bloke at a BBQ or a party and he’s drinking a few Melbourne Bitters, there’s about a 10% chance that he’s a real OG. You know, salt of the earth, genuine bloke, no bullshit. But then there’s a 90% chance that he’s a total wanker. It’s simple mathematics.”