Despite a solid track record of ranking highly in suburb rating lists, Watsonia has devastatingly failed to make it into Victoria’s “Top 10 Sexiest Suburbs” according to a study conducted by a prominent adult store chain. SexyLand’s 2020 Bedroom Connections claims to have analysed the spending habits of residents all over the state to identify which locations invest the most money into spicing things up between the sheets, and Watsonia was nowhere to be seen in the final results.

Suburbs from Melbourne’s so-called “outer rim” (cough, cough) rated strongly in the list – including supposed hot spots Cranbourne North, Werribee, Hoppers Crossing, Narre Warren, Frankston, Wheelers Hill, Sunbury and Pakenham. The study is yet to reveal the order of suburbs that fell outside of the top 10, but the leaderboard is a damning result for Watsonia, and the Diamond Valley region as a whole.

While overall expenditure at an adult store is arguably not an accurate indication of proficiency and frequency in bedroom antics – and fails to take into account the high proliferation of adult stores in the suburbs named in the top 10 – the result has shaken the good people of Watsonia. While interviewing locals on Watsonia Road this afternoon, the responses ranged from anger and outrage to denial and sadness. One resident said, “That’s bloody rubbish, mate. There’s no way them bogans in Narre Warren are getting more action than me! I’m a modern-day Romeo. Just because I don’t spend half me pay packet at SexyLand doesn’t mean I don’t know how to get me rocks off!”