Richmond star Dustin Martin will reportedly wear elbow-length dishwashing gloves during tonight’s game against Carlton to protect himself from the inevitable human contact he’ll have via multiple don’t argues on hapless opponents. Inside sources claim that the dual Brownlow Medallist received special AFL approval earlier this afternoon, after the league agreed that Martin was likely to be the most hands-on player in tonight’s season opener at the MCG.

The inside source claimed that Martin had trialled the gloves in a behind-closed-doors touch session at Punt Road this morning, before seeking the league’s permission around lunchtime. According to the insider, “He was actually quite pleased with the tactile nature of the gloves, they might even aid grip of the ball tonight. The trainers will probably just tape the ends to his forearm so they don’t slip around. It’s a slightly odd decision, but will have him don’t arguing with great confidence once the game starts this evening.”

Fortunately, the colour of the gloves neatly matched the Richmond uniform, which was understood to be the AFL’s greatest concern – such is their strict rules around player accessories. The insider said, “It’s the perfect match. Hey, if all goes well tonight, Dusty might even be able to strike up an endorsement deal with one of the cleaning companies. All with AFL approval, of course.”