A local gym junkie is currently unsure where to send his texts from now that public gyms are all closed due to COVID-19, and he can’t take his usual position of monopolising the bench press for over an hour every second weeknight. Chad Thomas contacted The Watsonia Bugle yesterday to share his concerns, claiming he was finding it much more difficult to slide into the DMs of random girls on Instagram now that his messaging sweet spot had been taken away from him.

Speaking openly about the ordeal, Thomas said, “Mate, usually I just set meself up on the bench press for an hour each night, pump out the occasional set, message the boys, and then just hit up a bunch of chicks on Insta. I’ve tried doing it at home on me couch, but it’s just not the same. The gym is my natural habitat, and I’m genuinely struggling without it.”

Seemingly ignoring the multitude of physical health benefits that regular gym attendance can provide, Thomas remained solely focused on impact widespread gym closures was having on his social life. He said, “I dunno, there’s just something about the gym environment that gets me going. This whole corona thing better not last too long, or I’ll be spewing, mate.”