A local mulch pile has been spotted promoting responsible social distancing in Watsonia North, using a hand-written “DON’T TOUCH!!” note to remind nearby people to not get too close. Health officials are lauding the lump for its strict adherence to current COVID-19 protocols, confirming that touching the pile would most definitely impinge on the recommended 1.5-metre gap that we should all be keeping from each other.

One anonymous local said, “It’s bloody great, mate. I might make one of them signs for me when I head down to the shops and that. I mean, everyone knows about the 1.5 metres, but they all seem to get a bit close when you’re passing them in the supermarket aisle. That sign would be handy.”

Meanwhile, local communications expert Shane Donaldson said, “The deliberate use of both all caps and the double exclamation mark is very clever. It leaves the reader in no doubt as to the intention of the message. That pile of wood chips is arguably more intelligent than about 50% of the population.”