A local drunk says he’s more confident than ever that he won’t make a fool of himself at this year’s work Christmas party. Pete Nelson believes social distancing measures will dramatically alter the entire festive season in 2020, including the annual work Christmas function at which he always gets spectacularly drunk.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle, Nelson said, “Oh mate, normally things get way out of hand at me Chrissie party. That sweet combo of warm weather, the festive spirit, and the ample supply of free booze, just whips me into an absolute frenzy. I can’t help myself. Before I know it, I’m passed out in some bus shelter in the CBD cradling a lukewarm kebab. Haha, classic.”

But with social distancing restrictions most likely to still be in place during the peak Christmas party season of late-November to mid-December, Nelson believes he’ll finally be able to keep things in check this year. He said, “Yeah, I reckon I can keep a lid on things this year. I mean, what would the party even be this year? Splitting into groups of 5-10 at the local pub for a meal? Even a rampant binge drinker like meself should be able hold it together in that setting.”

Despite Nelson’s confidence, social analysts claim this year’s round of Christmas functions could be even more catastrophic for enthusiastic binge drinkers. Social scientist Professor Victor Leonard said, “You can only assume that most companies will still try to conjure up some kind of celebration. Like a big group Zoom chat with Uber Eats and a Dan Murphy’s delivery or something. The problem with that is, just sitting down drinking while staring at a computer screen doesn’t give your body the chance to metabolise the alcohol. Next thing you know, you’re hammered, and everyone is just staring at you make a goose of yourself. At least at a party you can hide to a certain extent.”