Watsonia is reportedly being considered as a test suburb for Melbourne’s return to “normal” life after COVID lockdown, giving local residents the opportunity to return to a restriction-free existence earlier than those living in surrounding suburbs. According to a top-secret document obtained by The Watsonia Bugle, our suburb is believed to be on a shortlist of just five Melbourne suburbs being considered to lead Victoria’s capital city out of the wilderness.

Chosen for its consistently low COVID-19 infection numbers, high standard of living, and relatively more intelligent populace, Watsonia has made it to the final five in the same week that we’ve eliminated all active cases of the virus that has sparked a global pandemic. With a final decision on the chosen suburb expected to be made within the next two weeks, a heavy-hitting committee of local identities has formed to pitch Watsonia as the ultimate test case for suburban Melbourne.

According to an anonymous spokesperson from the committee, Watsonia is in a good position to win the bid. They said, “Apparently the government want a fairly self-sufficient suburb for the test case. You know, a place where people won’t be tempted to leave. And with all the things available right here in Watsy, most locals have no reason or compulsion to leave and go elsewhere. That’s why we think it would be the perfect place to just put a stiff border around and let people return to normal. Open the RSL, open the cafes, and just let Watsy people do Watsy things. No masks, no curfews, no worries. I mean, you guys know it’s the best suburb in Melbourne, but now it’s just a matter of trying to convince everyone else.”