A local cricket club has commenced analysing the back sweat properties of its playing list, in an attempt to select the most suitable player in each team to become the ball maintenance expert. The odd approach has been necessitated by the introduction of new rules governing which bodily fluids can and cannot be applied to a cricket ball as community sport attempts to re-start in the “COVID normal” era.

Watsonia Wombats head coach Darren Gregson claimed this level of scientific research was becoming more commonplace in local sport these days, and good be the difference between success and failure on a summer’s afternoon. He said, “We leave no stone unturned here at the wombats. We’re taking sweat samples from every back at this club, and then sending them away to a lab to test for tackiness, scent, alcohol content, overall volume, and the presence of hair. If we can’t spit on the ball this year to shine it, we want to make sure we have access to the best possible back sweat to ensure our bowlers get the most out of the pill.”

While Gregson refused to give specifics about the early testing, he insisted that the results had been very informative so far. He said, “Naturally, I don’t want to divulge any trade secrets, but the early results have been promising. We’ll continue to test thoroughly in the lead up to Round 1. Early indications suggest the hairier the back, the better. So, we’re considering introducing a “No Wax, No Shave” policy for the season. Like I said: no stone will be left unturned in our pursuit for excellence.”