Local cricketers across the entire state of Victoria are preparing to play the first “Lockdown Card” of their careers, following news earlier today that all fixtures for this weekend have been cancelled. While most seasoned campaigners are more than accustomed to playing the infamous “Rain Card” from time to time, this is believed to be the first time in local sports history that participants have been encouraged to drink to excess under the firm promise they won’t have to play cricket the next day.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle just moments ago, Watsonia Wombats opening bowler Jordan McIntyre claimed he planned on playing the Lockdown Card with “extreme gusto” this evening, and would be encouraging each and every one of his teammates to do the same. McIntyre said, “As a gambling man, I know a sure thing when I see one. Playing a Rain Card has inherent dangers, but this is the safest of all cards to play. There will be no cricket tomorrow, so we might as well all get on the beers. The whole season could be over for all we know, so there’s no point in leaving anything to chance. I’ve actually already had a couple of cans in preparation.”

While some of McIntyre’s teammates reported latent concerns about his problematic relationship with alcohol, they all agreed that he had a valid point this time. One anonymous member of the Wombats First XI said, “Jordy doesn’t need too many excuses to get on the turps, but I reckon tonight’s a good night for it. If this evolves into a longer lockdown, it might be the last time we can all get together legally and tip a few in. Good cricketers don’t leave those kinds of opportunities to chance.”