The Collingwood Football Club is reportedly in the process of rebooting their footballing cyborg RoboScott, with the commencement of the club’s AFL season just days away. Rebooting RoboScott, better known to the general public as Scott Pendlebury, has become an annual event at Magpies HQ, with the highly decorated footballer forming a key cornerstone of the club’s on-field efforts.

Rumours began swirling a few years ago about whether Pendlebury was human or machine, as the notoriously boring – yet highly efficient – midfielder churned out season after season without ever showing much emotion. And now an inside source at Collingwood has confirmed that he is “90% human replicant” and that he’s shut down each off-season to save on electricity bills at the Holden Centre.

According to the anonymous source, RoboScott was the most confused he’d ever been this week when first switched on, asking plenty of questions in the wake of a tumultuous off-season for the Magpies. The club insider said, “It would’ve been funny if it wasn’t so sad. He was just so confused. He was like, ‘Where’s Eddie? Where’s Adsy? What about Stepho and Flip? What’s going on here?’ But he’s slowly coming around to it now. Who said cyborgs can’t feel human emotions?”