The mysterious Plenty Gorge sasquatch says he’s desperate for lockdown to end for the fourth time so he can regain control of his bushland home. In an exclusive interview with The Watsonia Bugle, the mythical creature said his name was Graeme* and then opened up on a variety of topics, including Melbourne’s recurring COVID-19 infection rates, global warming, and the surprisingly sweet taste of raw kangaroo meat.

But the most pressing matter on the elusive yeti’s mind was the mass invasion of his natural habitat during Melbourne’s latest lockdown. According to the hirsute behemoth, human visitor numbers in the parklands increase during each lockdown, as local residents seek to escape the escalating monotony of lockdown by soaking up some good old-fashioned nature therapy.

The big fella said, “It’s out of control. Usually just some mountain bike nerds and people making sexy time. Now everyone come. It’s too much. I want my home back. Now.”

The suburban sasquatch also suggested that increased human traffic – and their accompanying canines – was spooking the local kangaroos, which impacted on the quality of their meat. He said, “Yes. True. Scared kangaroo make for bad eating. Stop bringing your dogs into this park, or I eat them instead.”

* Graeme’s name was changed to protect his identity.