A local man says his entire childhood has been ruined by the explosive revelation that the lighting of the Olympic flame at the 1992 Olympics was entirely staged. Darren Johnson says he’d spent his whole life believing that the archer had successfully fired a flaming arrow into the cauldron perched above the main stadium in Barcelona, and that witnessing that moment had taught him that anything was possible.

However, the truth is that organisers behind the lavish opening ceremony couldn’t leave such a prominent moment to chance, so they artificially lit the cauldron and, inadvertently, pulled off one of the great illusions of the 20th century. How such a heist could be achieved in the Internet age remains unknown, but the fact is that Johnson had spent the last 29 years believing the cauldron had been lit by the flaming arrow.

After a work colleague shattered that illusion this morning during a brief online messaging discussion, Johnson claims his total devastation has been too difficult to hide. Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle about his roller coaster of emotions, Johnson said, “Amigos para siempre my arse. Those bastards lied to me. We will not be friends forever. You might think I’m overreacting, but witnessing that moment in my childhood has become a guiding principle in everything I’ve done since. When people tell me that something is impossible, I always think back to that leotard-wearing genius. Now that it’s all a lie, I’m not sure how to go on.”