Smug Melburnians are reportedly looking down their noses at the rest of Australia’s Eastern Seaboard this week, as the COVID situation worsens in Sydney and Brisbane, and Melbourne receives some unexpected respite. Enjoying a surprisingly mild winter’s Sunday yesterday, Callum McDougall reflected on the wild past 18 months and, without a hint of irony, conceded that he felt a little sorry for his fellow Australians currently stuck in lockdown.

Speaking from an outdoor café in Melbourne’s inner north, because he still can’t have family and friends over at his home, McDougall said, “Like most things in the realms of fashion and food, Sydney is always a bit behind what’s cool, and Brisbane even more so. I mean, long-term lockdowns are such a 2020 thing, this year it’s more about these ‘circuit-breaker’ restrictions that can be applied with just a few hours notice, and rarely end after the initial three- to five-day period. I’ve pretty much had at least half a dozen holiday plans cancelled just this year alone. And that’s not just interstate ones, I haven’t even been able to get down to the Peninsula that much, or the snow. Haha.”

McDougall also lamented the northern states’ inability to grasp the full, mind-numbing force of a proper lockdown. He said, “They’re still playing golf in Sydney aren’t they? C’mon, that’s like July 2020 stuff for us, before the hipsters took over Northcote Golf Course and refused to leave. Remember that? And masks, haha, I’ve trained my brain to never leave home without one. Sometimes I forget my keys and my wallet, but I never forgot my mask. Meanwhile, Gladys is up in Sydney going mask-free for her Saturday morning coffee run. They just don’t get it.”