In a spectacular abuse of his so-called “exercise allowance”, a local dad has been secretly ducking out of the family home for a “run” but instead visiting a local cafe, grabbing a takeaway coffee, and sitting in his car to read the Saturday newspaper. Abusing the reciprocal arrangement between him and his wife, where they each receive two free hours per weekend to do some exercise on their own, Brett Lynch has been using his precious “exercise allowance” to escape the chaos of his home life during Lockdown 6.0.

But Lynch had reportedly been rorting the system for up to two months before getting caught out over the weekend. Exclusively revealed by The Watsonia Bugle, Lynch returned from his “run” on Saturday, splashed a bit of water on his forehead to replicate some perspiration, and slotted back into family life. It wasn’t until about two hours later, when he mentioned a local news tidbit to his wife and she questioned the source of his information, that he foolishly said, “Oh, I read it in the paper this morning.”

As soon as he uttered that fateful phrase, Lynch knew he’d made a mistake, and his wife pounced on it, asking him, “The paper? What do you mean? We don’t have the paper here. Where did you read the paper?” Awkward silence followed, before Lynch offered a full confession and begged for forgiveness.

Currently in the midst of some savage silent treatment from his wife, Lynch contacted us to share his side of the story. He said, “I always used to actually go for a run. But I got jack of that when I started running down the thriving Watsonia Road cafe strip and seeing kid-free people having the kind of Saturday morning that I used to enjoy.

“So, I came up with a plan. I’d still run the one or two kilometres to and from Watsy Road, but then I’d order a coffee, grab the free paper, and sit for a full half hour without being interrupted by anyone, and without carefully watching a small person who I feared could tear the entire cafe down to the ground at a moment’s notice. When lockdown is on, I just grab a takeaway and sit in my car for some peace and quiet. It was the perfect crime, but now I’ve stuffed it up. I’m an idiot.”

Currently serving an immediate suspension of his “exercise allowance”, Lynch is unsure how long it will be before he is re-granted his two hours per weekend. He said, “I’m not sure mate. Probably at least another month or two. And even then I’m guessing the missus will be requesting GPS tracking like Strava or something so that I can prove I’m exercising the whole time. If there’s a pause of more than five minutes, she’ll be onto me!”