A local cricketer has calmly sat down to list his goals for the upcoming season, after his admirably ambitious coach has been badgering him to do for weeks. Despite still being unsure how this pen-to-paper process will improve his on-field cricketing performance, Dave Sampson said he was keen to just get his coach off his case before the season commenced this Saturday.

Reflecting on the experience, Sampson told The Watsonia Bugle, “Mate, he’s being going on about it for weeks now, so I just want to shut him up at this point. But seriously, my goal is to take as many wickets as possible, and make as many runs as possible. Simple. Sure, the coach wanted specifics, but I just don’t understand what he’s getting at.”

Seemingly developing a taste for goals-based motivation techniques, Sampson then said, “To be honest, I’d rather be locking in goals for the social side of things. You know, attend every club function, have good stories to tell in the stretching circle, and improve my piss fitness so that I’m absolutely primed and ready to go for the end-of-season trip. That’s a real once-in-a-year opportunity that I don’t want to let slip this season.”