A Greensborough man has reportedly lost friends over controversial statements he made yesterday about the palatability of the beloved vanilla slice. Brendan Lanning was at a BBQ with friends yesterday afternoon when he unexpectedly launched into a savage attack on the popular sweet, leaving many of his friends to openly question their relationship with him.

One of those friends spoke to The Watsonia Bugle earlier this morning, requesting strict anonymity and sharing graphic details of the unprovoked tirade. They said, “It sort of just came out of nowhere. We’d had a nice lunch, a few beers, and then the sweets came out. Most people had stuck to the basics and brought along traditional treats. You know, lamingtons, jelly slice, vanilla slice, the usual.”

According to the friend, out of nowhere, Lanning started to criticise vanilla slices. They said, “Then Brendo just started mouthing off about how overrated vanilla slices are. Reckons they’re too hard to eat, custard spills out everywhere, the icing is outdated, the pastry is flakey. He kind of started slowly but then just gathered momentum. By the end of it, the friend who had brought the vanilla slices was sobbing in the corner, and all of the little kids were asking what was wrong with Uncle Brendan. It was a total mess.”

Initially reluctant to go on the record with The Watsonia Bugle, Lanning eventually agreed to an interview in an attempt to clear his name. He said, “I regret the fact that Lisa, who brought the tray of snot blocks, ended up in tears. And I’m also sorry for some of the language that I used in front of the children. But I stand by the premise of my outburst. It’s like they’re some kind of sacred cow in the sweets world. Nobody seems willing to speak the truth. They’re so bloody overrated. Where else would you eat that icing? It’s sickly sweet, absolutely gross. And as for the custard: yuck. It spills out the sides, is gluggy, and makes the whole thing pretty much impossible to eat.”

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