A pathetic local dork has purchased a Bunnings trilby hat because he realised that he was not enough man to wear one of those wide-brimmed straw hats in the backyard. William Jensen made the difficult decision earlier this month while dropping in to the hardware superstore to get some new seedlings for his flourishing garden.

Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle about his challenging yet empowering acceptance of his place in the world, Jensen said, “I just thought it looked quite smart really. I mean, I’m not really the wide-brimmed straw hat kinda guy. It’ll keep the sun off my face while I’m pottering around in the garden of a weekend, so it’s quite nice.”

However, not everyone is convinced by Jensen’s new purchase. When contacted for comment, his wife Rebecca said, “It’s ridiculous! What does he think he’s doing? Going to the polo for Bunnings bogans? It’s embarrassing. There’s no way he’s wearing that hat off premises. Not on my watch.”

Jensen’s next door neighbour was equally critical of the headwear. He said, “What a clown. It looks like one of those crappy Heineken hats that jerks used to get at the Aus Open while drinking their body weight in Heineken and not watching a single point of tennis. I always thought old Willy was a bit of a wanker, but now I know for sure.”