Montmorency has been proclaimed “The safest suburb in the Diamond Valley” according to a recent study, being ranked as the seventh-safest suburb in all of Melbourne. But the result has angered some residents in neighbouring suburbs, with a few of them contacting The Watsonia Bugle this week to share bold theories about how Monty snared such a positive result.
Long-time Greensborough resident Darren Clemmens claimed the high ranking was due to Montmorency having “only half a train station”. He said, “Think about it, mate. The majority of suburban crime happens in and around train stations, so if you’ve only got half of one, of course you’ll have less crime than the other suburbs in the area. Good luck to them once they get the new station. They’re in for a rude shock.”
In a slight plot twist, Watsonia man Tim Price suggested that being safe wasn’t actually a desirable feature for a suburb anyway. He said, “Who wants safety anyway? It’s boring. A bit of action keeps things interesting. What else would people talk about on Watsonia Community Voice?”
On the topic of social media community groups, Eltham resident Belinda Grange believes the low crime rate is due to the regular public shamings on Facebook vigilante collective “Monty Life 3094”. Grange said, “When you’re talking about deterrents for potential criminals, nothing works better than the fear of being outed on that page. Those people are savages. I’d rather do time than get a public shaming on that page. Seriously.”
While each theory has its own pros and cons, the result has also prompted other Diamond Valley suburbs to consider why their crime rates are relatively much higher. According to Watsonia local Will Samson, stealing the “Safest suburb in the Diamond Valley” title off Montmorency could be the final piece in the puzzle for Watsonia to prove its overall supremacy. Samson said, “When you think about it, we’ve got most of the other bases covered. I mean, we have that boutique water supply, we’re about to have two wine bars, and we’ve got an unrivalled takeaway food scene. If we can just knock off Monty for this crime thingo, we’d be pretty much unbeatable.”