A disgruntled Essendon fan sat down last night to map out how the AFL will screw the Bombers over this year. Rebecca Jones says she did some predictive mapping in her home office in an attempt to “get ahead of the curve” after what she claims to have been a decades-long conspiracy against the red and black.

Speaking about her findings, Jones said, “To be honest, it seems like the AFL is actually running out of options to keep their vendetta going, which means it’s most likely to be more subtle than a full-blown drugs saga, or letting Dane Rampe get away with climbing that goal post a few years ago. The only certainty is that they’ll be out to get us.”

As previously reported by The Watsonia Bugle, there is an underground collection of Essendon fans that remain convinced the AFL is running an anti-Essendon conspiracy. According to the fans, it all stems back to Adam McPhee’s exclusion from the All-Australian team in 2005. And that so-called injustice occurred just one year after the club’s last finals victory, a drought that is famously close to stretching to 20 years.

Asked if she was willing to predict this year’s slight from headquarters, Jones said, “There’s something a bit fishy about Brad Scott getting the coaching gig after spending the last few years at AFL House. I reckon he’s an inside man, so I’ll be keeping a very close eye on moves coming from the coaches box.”