A Royal Commission will reportedly be launched into whether Watsonia has become a ghetto or not, as speculation continues to whirl around the area. Following the unfortunate vandalism of a popular and long-standing local business on Saturday night, comments sections on numerous community-based online forums have been rife with grand generalisations regarding the apparent safety or lack thereof within the Watsonia region.

A source close to the freshly re-elected government claims that the investigation will be launched as soon as the coalition has stopped celebrating their somewhat unexpected victory just over a week ago. The anonymous source said, “one official definition of a Royal Commission is to look into matters of great importance and controversy, and can specifically relate to events of considerable public concern. Based on what I’ve read on those forums in the last 24 hours, the current situation in Watsonia ticks all those boxes. Now that ScoMo has been re-elected, I’ve heard he’s super keen to really make an impression during his first full term as Prime Minister. Looking into what’s happening in Watsonia could form a cornerstone of the legacy that he leaves to this nation.”

The investigation will attempt to solve the question reverberating around Watsonia at the moment: is crime increasing in the area, or are people just talking about it more thanks to social media? In fact, if a Royal Commission is launched, sources suggest it would be the first of its kind to be prompted almost entirely by just comments on social media posts. One local legal professional told The Watsonia Bugle, “I don’t think I’ve heard of that happening before, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t. And besides, it’s a brave new world we live in. The comments section on social media is gradually being given more and more credence in modern society. I doubt that’s a good thing for humanity, but it’s happening.”

We also hope it’s a lot more successful than the seemingly inconclusive investigation into why Watsonia is home to so many pharmacies.

More to come.