Instead of rejoicing in Tuesday’s news that Melbourne is finally getting a rail loop, one local commuter claims he’s already concerned about falling asleep on the train line that will circle our city’s outer suburbs. Notorious napper Tom Kennedy says that this week’s exciting announcement sent a chilling shiver down his spine, bringing back intense memories of the multiple times he’s woken up in an empty train carriage at Hurstbridge Station.

Speaking exclusively to The Watsonia Bugle about his pressing concerns, Kennedy gave a brief history of his self-diagnosed narcolepsy, telling numerous stories about misadventures on Hurstbridge bound trains. He said, “People just think I’m a lazy pisshead, but it’s a genuine problem. I promise. You wouldn’t believe how many times I got tagged in that bloody article you guys did on that hipster Tym that fell asleep on the train and woke up in Diamo.”

While Kennedy remained unsure how much he would use the circle line, it hadn’t stopped him from considering the implications of falling asleep on the line. He said, “Mate, imagine trying to get home from the west, falling asleep, and waking up in Cheltenham. I don’t even really know where Cheltenham is. Nightmare scenario.”