A local father of two has ruined his first weekend of relative freedom by taking his kids to Greensy Plaza for a bit. While Darren Graham concedes he should’ve known better, he said the lure of going to Kmart was too strong to ignore, but he instantly regretted the decision.

Reflecting on the experience, Graham said, “Mate, let’s be honest, one of the few benefits of lockdown has been not having to take your kids to the shops. Those guys are animals. But obviously I’d forgotten the full depths of their depravity. We hadn’t even got into the first shop before I wanted to abort mission. It was a nightmare.”

Graham also suggested that what little public diplomacy skills his children possessed had atrophied during Melbourne’s most recent lockdown. He said, “They’ve just forgotten how to behave in public. Seriously. The only public places they’ve been in the last few months have been playgrounds, and those joints are feral anyway. If I can’t manage them in the open expanses of Greensy Plaza I’ve got no chance at a café or a restaurant. My public life is over.”