In breaking news, we can report that a local pillock has dropped his phone into the Yarra River whilst attempting to capture the ultimate selfie on a popular Eltham footbridge. Kenneth Johnson was taking a pleasant walk earlier today just after sunrise when he decided to take a quick pic of him immersed in the pleasant vista.

However, Johnson then fumbled the phone before watching it plummet into the murky waters below. Speaking to The Watsonia Bugle about his ordeal, Johnson said, “Oh mate, you should’ve seen me, it was embarrassing! Time slowed right down as the phone fell through my fingers, and then I reached out for it but all that did was knock it over the edge completely. I let out a blood-curdling scream and then watched as it made a big splash in the river down below.”

Currently dealing with the modern challenges of losing one’s phone, Johnson said he deeply regretted his actions. He said, “All I wanted to do was flex on the Gram for a bit, and now I’ve lost everything. My phone contains my entire life. Hopefully it was all backed up in the cloud. But I don’t really know how all that works.”