Following the removal of yet another automatic teller machine from Watsonia Road, the International Union for Conservation of Banking (IUCB) has officially listed Watsonia ATMs as an endangered species. While the beloved species had been on the watch list since the hasty removal of the Commonwealth Bank branch, this latest classification has alarmed local residents who fear they’ll soon have to embrace the increasingly cashless society that we all seem to live in.

At the last count, the only traditional bank ATM on the strip is the one out the front of the hardware store, while the ones inside the BP servo and the supermarket are the flimsy kind of ones that don’t let you keep your card in them, and charge a meaningless fee that grows so frequently that you’ll soon need to pay as much to access your own money as you do to put petrol in your car. A spokesperson from the IUCB said, “We’ve been monitoring the Watsonia situation for quite a while now, but now that the two out the front of the Post Office have been removed we had to take the dreaded step of placing Watsonia ATMs on the endangered species list”.

While the spokesperson explained that the declining population was due to the increasingly cashless society, paywave, and global warming, they also said that going onto the list could have some positive impact on the current situation. They said, “While nobody wants to end up on the endangered list, it can help to raise awareness for the plight which, in turn, could result in a captive breeding program that could eventually see in increase in the local population”.