A Watsonia man has expressed dismay at yesterday’s announcement of Melbourne’s “Top 20 Most Liveable Suburbs” list, and is currently not returning calls from his friends who live in Montmorency. Dave Nelson has openly questioned the criteria used in the latest suburb rankings, and has also taken the opportunity to highlight some unfavourable comparisons with rival areas of Melbourne.

The study, conducted by PwC, has placed Northcote at the very top, before adding Heidelberg and Rosanna at 2nd, Montmorency and Briar Hill at 5th, Greensborough at 6th, and Eltham at 15th. Most of these suburbs have enjoyed a significant rise in the annual rankings this year, mostly thanks to the fact the criteria has changed significantly now that many people work from home and are looking to enjoy activities closer to where they live. Therefore, favourable features in the ranking of each suburb include being walking distance from open spaces and key amenities and services, job accessibility, public transport access, and close proximity (i.e. 30 minutes) to “secondary amenities” such as entertainment, dining, and sports facilities.

It was that final point that really got Nelson on the front foot when questioning why Watsonia wasn’t in the top 20 suburbs, while surrounding locations such as Montmorency, Greensborough and Eltham were. He said, “Ever tried to get a train to Monty after going to the footy and then it doesn’t go past Greensy Station? Ropeable maybe, but definitely not liveable is it? I mean, seriously, what does Greensy have that Watsy doesn’t? A big fucking shopping centre that’s basically a permanent magnet for try-hard eshays. Give us a spell!”

Nelson also took issue with the grouping of certain suburbs. He said, “Rosanna and Heidelberg aren’t the same place. And Briar Hill most definitely isn’t Montmorency even though that pelican Nicholas Frame tried to petition for them to join forces earlier this year. I mean, this just makes me think the study was put together by a bunch of inner-suburbs pencil-pushers that have never been north of maybe Fairfield. And that was only because their rescue greyhound got off the lead at Yarra Bend. So, they’ve just chucked Monty onto the list to justify them putting their beloved Northcote at the top. I see their game.”

This latest list continues a strong Melbourne tradition of releasing suburb rankings that are set to a wide variety of themes and features. Naturally, we’re always keen to piggyback those regular clickbait frenzies, especially when Watsonia or Watsonia North are blessed with a favourable result. However, from Watsonia’s 4.5 out of 5 stars rating for apparent health of residents, to Watsonia North’s title as the “Least walkable suburb in Melbourne”, the results tend to be quite mixed.

Clear highlights include 2019’s announcement that Watsonia North was the coolest and most bestest Melbourne suburb to live in… if you’re not, like, kind of rich and that. And 2020’s finding that Watsonia was the most popular suburb in all of Melbourne. While this week’s snub is sure to sting a little, we’re confident that good old Watsy will be back on the podium very soon.