In what is possibly the most extreme case of a media outlet getting ahead of themselves, the Editor of our illustrious publication has granted a rare interview to help celebrate the momentous occasion of our newspaper’s third birthday. The result is some candid insight from the elusive figure behind suburban Melbourne’s most insightful local newspaper.

Um, hello, thanks for agreeing to this interview… even though it was your idea.
You’re most welcome.

The traditional gift for a third anniversary is leather. And the modern gift for a third anniversary is crystal. What would you prefer?
I think by now it should be very clear that all I’ve ever wanted is a giant dim sim to be built and installed on Watsonia Road as a homage to our proud region’s most delicious export.

So, do you want the giant dimmie built in leather or crystal?
Are you serious? [Hushed voice] This is exactly what we were talking about this morning. Just because you did your cadetship at the Herald Sun doesn’t mean you have to keep asking dumb questions. Aim higher.

Okay, sorry. Um, over the years there has been a bit of speculation over who you actually are. Will you be using the Bugle’s third birthday to finally reveal yourself to the local community?
Next question.

How did the Bugle begin? What launched the empire?
I basically came across a study that credited Old El Paso’s taco kits as being almost the sole reason that farmers continue to grow and sell iceberg lettuces. The ACCC research claimed that 93% of iceberg lettuce purchases across Australia were for use in some form of Old El Paso kit box creation. Mainstream media wouldn’t touch it, presumably because of some kind of commercial arrangement with the powerful mixed lettuce and baby spinach industry. But I felt the story needed to be told. So, I put fingers to keyboard and the rest is history.

And what was your first big hit? You know, the story that really put the Bugle’s name on the local news scene.
That was the courageous tale of young Tym McTaggart, the inner-north hipster that fell asleep on a Hurstbridge Line train after a few too many Melbourne Bitter longnecks and woke up in Diamond Creek scared and confused. The poor guy was well past his usual stop at Dennis Station, and the scenes he witnessed at Diamo Station were truly horrific. Tym’s bravery in telling his story was the true reason that article really caught on with our readers.

Has there been an article that really surprised you with the reach it had?
The broken kabana stick article kind of shocked me. I clearly underestimated the passion of Australia’s delicatessen community. That post got over 1,000 comments, and most of them were from former and current deli workers who were tagging their equally traumatised colleagues, presumably as a coping mechanism for the things they’ve endured in their role over the years. Be nice to your local deli worker, those guys need kindness more than you probably realise.

Is it true that you’re not allowed within a 100-metre radius of the Springthorpe estate? Did they really take out an intervention order against you?
That matter is still before the courts, so I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to comment on it.

Is it true that you actually reside in Watsonia North, and not Watsonia proper?
I dream of an inclusive and utopian world in which we can all be accepted at Watsonians, regardless of which side of Grimshaw Street we make our homes.

Have you spoken to Megan lately?
No, I haven’t. She was always very mysterious, and only ever called from an unknown number. I think about her often. Maybe she’s moved out of the area? Or maybe she’s become woke and now embraces all people, no matter what their eating habits may be.

What has been the highlight of the past three years in the Bugle newsroom?
I’d have to say hearing the Rick Bitter story get spoken about on Adelaide breakfast radio. I mean, it wasn’t really something on the bucket list, because that would just be a bit sad and incredibly weird, but it was quite amusing to listen to “Roo & Ditts” discuss Greensborough’s most dedicated VB drinker.

I see that the Diamond Valley Leader attempted to piggyback your wine bar storyline without actually contacting you for comment. I’m not sure anyone has read the article yet, because it’s still hiding behind the paywall, but are you angry about the DV Leader’s frequent pinching of stories from the Bugle?
What’s there to be angry about? I mean, it’s not like they’re a team of journalists working full-time for a publication that is aligned to an enormous media company, while I’m just some suburban schmuck laying on my couch each night typing up hot news stories on my iPhone. Oh, wait. My bad.

Did a global fashion house really admit that they couldn’t match the simple beauty of a The Watsonia Bugle t-shirt? That seems unlikely.
Have you seen the stuff that passes as so-called fashion these days? C’mon, the Bugle t-shirts are actually elite, and they include the kind of social capital that just money can’t buy. Well, you can buy it. The t-shirts are only $19. Buy one for each member of the family, that way you’ll save on postage. True story.