Both Watsonia and Watsonia North have tragically failed to make the top 100 most liveable Melbourne suburbs list according to some bullshit study. Results from the so-called Domain Liveable Melbourne study were announced late last week, with Watsonia sitting at a lowly 119 out of 307, and Watsonia North shunted down to 214.

The rankings throw some serious shade at the multitude of suburb ranking lists that seem to surface every couple of months, including Watsonia North’s title as the coolest and most bestest suburb in all of Melbourne, and Watsonia’s placing in the Top 5 hottest Melbourne suburbs. According to the latest list, Watsonia suffered due to low scores for three main factors: culture, retail and crime. While Watsonia North ranked poorly for retail (shock horror it’s in the bottom 10 of the 307 suburbs), culture, walkability, cafes, education and employment. This is what they said:

As the region’s leading news service, we are affronted by these supposed failings of our two suburbs, and would like to dispel a few of the study’s findings. For starters, a suburb’s “culture” would have to be one of the world’s most ambiguous concepts. Exactly how it is measured remains unclear, as does the list of things that qualify as culture. But if you do happen to believe in such an abstract measure, our region is home to a thriving arts scene, passion for public sculpture, holidaying celebrities, and a fair dinkum “Paris End”. How’s that for culture? Not bad, we think.

As for retail, what more could you want from Watsonia Road? The atmospheric “high street” scene is a dying art in suburban Melbourne these days, and no-doubt a feature that rated more than a few inner-city suburbs a little higher on this bogus list. As for Watsonia North’s bottom 10 rating for retail, we’d love to see which suburbs fell below it, considering there is a solitary milk bar in the entire suburb. But it’s not like Watsonia North is located in the middle of nowhere. A quick five-minute drive will take you to the retail mecca otherwise known as Greensborough Plaza, where all your shopping dreams will be realised. Regardless of retail credentials or lack thereof, since when did bowing to the almighty dollar and becoming a slave to capitalism qualify as a cornerstone of liveability?

Crime? Ignoring the fearmongering on local community Facebook pages for a moment, and the possibility of a new series of Blue Heelers being shot on location in Watsonia, crime is not that big a deal in Watsonia. And if you suggest otherwise, we’ll come right over to your place and bash you.

And as for Watsonia North rating well for “great topographic variation” yet scoring poorly for “walkability” well, call us stupid, but can those two things be mutually exclusive? It’s one or the other you geniuses, make up your mind. Yeah, a train station would be handy but, when in doubt, jump on that delightful Watsonia RSL courtesy bus.

Salty? Perhaps. But as we always say, we are the voice of the people. And it’s time for the people of Watsonia and Watsonia North to stand proud of our beautiful area.